Rethinking Love and Social Boundaries

It was rare to hear something useful in psychology class today. The words resonated strongly with me. I may have been caught in a trap that a former teacher once described: “The boys in your science class have no distinguishing traits; they can only attract girls by fawning over them.” I think my views may have shifted in two ways:

I. “Give love to people who are not starved of it”

I saw this line a few days ago. It sounds harsh, but perhaps it is true: someone starved of love might not cherish the love you give them. Subconsciously, they may just want to receive love, regardless of who supplies it.

In exploring where my own love comes from, I concluded that it comes from the love others give me. Love is mutual. I seem to assume instinctively that if I give others my love, they will treat me a little better, but perhaps that is not how it works.

(Trying to please someone can be a way of loving them, but love cannot consist only of pleasing them.)

I tend to give of myself, loving others a little more before loving myself. Besides, making others happy makes me happy. When they told me that I had to love myself before loving someone else, I did not take it seriously. Now it seems they truly live by that principle, and that people like me are quite rare. Although I believe in “selfless giving,” does social reality not show that loving yourself first is the more important general principle?

Similarly, I often feel caught in a “disadvantage of being considerate.” I do not know whether less considerate people are selfish or simply never realize how their behavior affects others. Here are two examples from my life:

1. In high school, two rather heavy classmates (BMI over 30) never apologized when they bumped into people, whether in the classroom or the cafeteria. They acted as though nothing had happened and did not even look at us, while those of us with BMIs below 20 were naturally knocked aside. Seeing their indifference puzzled me: did they truly not realize that their actions made others uncomfortable? One of them was otherwise a decent person, without the airs of a high achiever; perhaps he really had never noticed. (I still tend to think well of people and believe most are kind.)

2. I try to keep my noise down in shared spaces. In my high-school dorm and in university study areas, I even open a bag zipper carefully for fear of disturbing others. Yet many people cannot manage this basic courtesy. On Sundays in high school, the one day each week when we did not have to run to morning exercise at six, I wanted an extra hour of sleep, even if it meant skipping breakfast. But someone would repeatedly pull open a metal cabinet and slam its doors, making a piercing noise. At university it is the same. I saw a student on the campus message board who shared my outlook: after always being careful, they had grown used to others’ lack of consideration and begun acting “selfishly” themselves. It does seem more convenient.

What does this show? Being highly conscientious is a virtue, but it carries a hidden cost.

II. Stop sharing too much before trust exists

I have a strong urge to express myself and enjoy sharing my experiences and opinions. It has even led to people turning on me. Only yesterday did I really understand why I should learn to hold my tongue.

The reason is simple, though I had not considered it before: others find it difficult to truly empathize with you. After all, few people share my assumption that everyone is a “good person.” Once they know your story, at most they may offer a few polite words, rarely meaningful help, while their opinion of you may fall.

I once left a group chat because nobody replied to me. Now I can let it go: we were never in the same circle. For some people, meeting me was merely an accident of life; why insist on further contact? More importantly, some feelings should be shared with people who understand them.

Additional notes based on reference material:

1. Reciprocity Expectation

Reciprocity expectation describes the tacit expectation of a response when someone offers emotional support, care or resources, in terms of social exchange theory: emotional investment should be reciprocated. When this expectation repeatedly goes unmet, people may feel an imbalance of worth, leading to frustration, disappointment or self-devaluation. It is a common and deep-seated dynamic in relationships.

2. Extroverted Empath

An extroverted empath is described here as combining emotional sensitivity with extroversion. Such people quickly notice how others feel and respond with actions, giving and companionship, finding satisfaction in doing so. But they can over-empathize and over-give, neglect their own boundaries in close relationships and become emotionally drained or trapped in an unequal role.

3. Conscientiousness Disadvantage

This describes the structural disadvantage that highly responsible, self-disciplined and empathetic people may face in social interactions when they consider others’ needs too much and strictly follow norms. They avoid hurting others and give way in conflicts, while less conscientious people bear no equivalent burden. The result is an unconscious drain on resources: the more considerate you are, the more you lose.

4. Premature Self-Disclosure

Premature self-disclosure means sharing too much about yourself too early, before a relationship has developed sufficient trust or depth. The other person may be unable to understand or hold what is shared, lowering the quality of the relationship and potentially increasing exposure, unfavorable judgment or emotional vulnerability. At root, it is a mismatch between self-expression and what the relationship can sustain.